Note: I'm publishing this post years after I drafted it and in an incomplete state. I don't disagree with much of what I wrote, much of it still feels relevant to experiences working today, and like the previous posts think it functions as an interesting snapshot of what I was thinking and feeling while in the midst of remote-heavy late-pandemic work culture.

This personal revelation has had me wondering lately about the importance of personal connection, especially with my team members and my customers, and what this means in 2020 when our only communication medium is digital. Most people crave social connection, myself included, and we suffer when that need isn't met.

My overriding functions as a project manager are to protect and nurture my team members, and to stay attentive to my customer's needs. Doing so requires emotional clarity and attentiveness. This leaves us in a bind - is it possible to succeed in a job which hinges so heavily on emotional connection, when the only communication methods available are emotionally distant and, at worst, numbing and alienating?

Trust, intimacy, and (Human) signal loss over digital media

Trust

How do you increase trust in virtual conversations, and how do you gain it back when it's been lost?

Online we use different criteria than we normally do for human trust

When I am staring into my screen, what of my senses are still functional? How can I infer intent in others?

In the best case, the person I am communicating with has their camera turned on, and I can see them clearly and without delay. I can read the broad signs drawn on their face, maybe infer some signals from what they're doing with their hands. I can't typically see into someone's eyes, but I can tell when their focus is on me, or when it's on something else. These cues help, but often run into

This gives me the bare minimum level of social trust I need to make a meaningful connection.

In the worst case, the other person has their camera off. I maybe see a picture of an avatar, or of their face in some old profile picture. Often I can hear them clacking away at the keyboard, and I know they aren't giving me (or whoever else is speaking) their full attention. This is a big downer, and though I have at times ribbed people in private messages to at least mute themselves when typing on their mechanical keyboards

Consistency is the most important thing
Be relentlessly, forever, inhumanly consistent
Consistency of mode, means, amount, timing
Now is not the time to experiment

That this advice tells us to be possessed of an inhuman character gives us fair warning - you will try and you will fail! Nonetheless I am more and more finding this advice to be critically important and true. Reflecting on my most notable communication failures over the past year, one common thread is that my worst mistakes tend to occur when I try something new, abruptly and without advance notice. I like to be able to "wing it" sometimes when I feel like I've reached that magic balance of confidence and capability, and in my experience, this usually works for me in normal, in-person meetings. However, the reasons this works for me in person - the body language I display and the body language I can read on others - is exactly the reason this fails so often digitally.

The deepest, most meaningful trust is always built on consistent actions displayed over long periods of time.

Try to agree on how a meeting will be conducted beforehand, and do as you say you will do. Doing this consistently instills in others the basic trust that their expectations will be met and their comfort will not be undermined by a rapid switch-up in the plan or approach.

When others are talking, keep the pressure low and always leave a clear exit. Don't put people on the spot, because only they can know the level of trust they are willing to give. It's always better to not take a subject, and bring it up at a later time, than to force it and cause someone to be vulnerable when they're not clearly indicating to you that they are ready.

Intimacy

You can only create intimacy with fewer than 6 people
A good team size is however many people you can feed with 2 large pizzas
Information about human intent comes through via body language

Communication over digital channels causes "emotional compression" - but what gets lost?

How to handle the signal loss?

Be brave. If you feel that you haven't established the minimal level of trust or connection to handle a weighty topic in a digital room, then it's okay to take a direct approach like "you know what, I think this is an important topic and instead of trying to force it when we're not ready, we should find another time or place where we can discuss it effectively". If this level of directness isn't possible, then you'll have to play your cards according to the situation. If you know the others in the call aren't participating, but you still have to run over the topic, then get it over with and send a follow-up message, or follow up 1:1 with folks when you know they'll be more ready to give their attention.

Remember that you set an example by your behavior. I always try to keep my camera on (at least at the start of calls), as an example of the level of communication I would prefer others to offer, if they can. I don't typically ask others to do so though, as I don't want to be presumptuous about how comfortable others might be about bringing others into their homes.

Feedback and negativity

We take information much more negatively when it comes to us virtually than face to face.
In person, you get an instant read, instant feedback...no one assumes, "they think that's such a good idea they're stunned into silence".
We think people find us contemptible in those micropauses.

When intent isn't clear, how do we keep confident, and how can we provide others with confidence as they speak?